


only, lonely and aching

by sweetlyinfinite



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Sad Zayn, Unrequited Love, okay, okay so this is a bit dark, sort of non-con at the end, there's mentions of phone sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 20:15:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/996106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetlyinfinite/pseuds/sweetlyinfinite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is only 19 when he tries his hand at phone sex, and each year until he's 29 he has someone new to love and break his soul with pretty eyes and lips, regardless of gender. At 29, he gives up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	only, lonely and aching

**Author's Note:**

> listen to 'we are ghosts' by james vincent mcmorrow whilst reading i swear it makes it better, even if you dont like the song

Zayn is only 19 when he tries his hand (ha) at phone sex. Not like, _oh no the person I'm intimate with has gone away or can't be here right now I should ring them and talk dirty_. Not at all, really, because his is more, _oh okay I can get money for talking like a right slut_.

He’s only 19 but he’s sort of almost better than everyone else the company employs. Except for maybe Harry and Louis. Harry, he learns, gets the most requests and when he meets Harry and hears him, Zayn understands completely. Louis is just below Harry, and he has a reputation for being given the more kinky of the calls. Zayn hears a story about Louis and a Russian man with a snake and a blueberry and tries not to ask.

The two are together, and they also get couple calls and those are more infamous than the blueberry story.

And there’s Liam and Niall, too. Liam dresses a bit like a fireman and no one knows how many requests he gets, but everyone knows how fucking deep his voice can go and how he _growls_. Niall is cute, most of the time, but when he’s on his phone he can talk like a whore and whimper within the same sentence and that makes most other people they work with (not _with_ but sort of) cautious and worry he’s better than them. He is, is the thing, all the boys are.

Zayn, when he joins, learns they’re actually the dorkiest bunch of people he’s ever met.

Harry can’t have orange juice with the pips, is a massive lightweight who looks like he’s just had wild sex whenever he does get drunk, likes _cats_ for fuck’s sake, and wears too big sweaters with long arms so he has paws.

Louis is silly most of the time, is definitely not a lightweight but is the cutest drunk ever to exist, loves football but prefers to play when it’s raining and he slips over more often than not, and wears Harry’s too big sweaters that are so big they slip off his shoulders and he has to push the sleeves up if he wants his fingertips to be visible.

Liam wears fireman pants that hang off his hips and tank tops that show off his arms because he always liked the idea of being a fireman and saving people, argues with Harry about cats, fell in love with the stars when he was 13, and reads too many books he doesn’t understand the meaning behind so he searches them on Google.

Niall is not all that much different than how he comes off, really. He’s cute and bouncy and hates most things but loves the rest and likes Zayn’s weed, and Niall is Niall all over and everywhere and in everyone somehow and Niall likes being called a whore when someone fucks him and tugs on his hair.

The first thing Zayn does after he knows all this is laugh, if he remembers correctly. He remembers laughing, very faintly at first and finishing in a fit of tears and repressed fears about what else they could be hiding beneath their voices.

Also, the phone sex turns out fine, great even. It inspires Zayn to try porn, but after making only one video of a threesome with a girl and a boy and bad plot, he stops and goes back to talking to horny people over the phone.

He likes that better.

 

 

 

Zayn is only 20 when he finally gets what he’s wanted for years. A year, really. But it works almost the same.

See, Niall likes Zayn and Liam and Zayn like Niall and Liam and neither are sure how Liam feels because all they know is how good his arse looks when he forgets to tighten his fireman pants around his waist and they fall down and the one time he didn’t have anything underneath.

_Niall and Zayn are making out against a wall in Zayn’s flat, slowly and almost dry and with the air scented like weed. There’s a knock on the door that both don’t hear and it’s Liam and he bursts through and the boys break away from each other._

_For a second Zayn wishes Liam had his fireman pants on so they could pretend they’re innocent civilians trapped in a fire and Liam is the brave fire fighter there to rescue them then fuck them._

_Liam stares for a moment and his eyes flick from place to place, Zayn and Niall and Niall’s hands on Zayn and Zayn’s hands in Niall’s hair and the bowl of weed on the table and then to the clock on the wall that stopped last year sometime in winter. Liam sighs then, long and thick and he walks over to them._

_Neither move, neither can, really, because Liam doesn’t have baggy fireman pants on today. He has skinny jeans hanging low on his hips, too low, and the air is dense with wait._

_Then it isn't. It isn't because Liam moves Zayn from Niall so he’s against the wall and then Liam’s lips are on Niall's and Zayn watches with wide eyes and bated breath and when Liam pulls off a minute later, Niall's even more glassy eyed and he grins drunkenly._

_Zayn knows why when Liam takes a step to the right so he’s in front of Zayn and then Liam surges forward and Liam is Liam. He tastes like weed and Niall, but under that he tastes crisp and warm and Zayn can feel his life explode._

_He's breathless by the time Niall whines, and Liam steps back a second time and now the grin is on his lips that are too dark and make both boys simultaneously sad and very fucking horny._

_Liam drops his voice low, like his pants and his tone reserved for clients, and asks, “So? Either of you lads up for a threesome?”_

_And it’s funny and Zayn snorts because he and Niall appear to be very much_ up _and that makes Liam’s eyes drop down. He snorts too, and then Niall whimpers again and after that it’s a blur of sweaty skin and sex and sounds that escape Zayn’s mouth and surprise them all._

Also, in the future when they think back on this they all seem to remember something about glitter and oranges but not one necessarily remembers why.

 

 

 

Zayn is only 21 when he gives up on phone sex, full time anyway. He goes to uni instead, does some English shit and he’s not bad because he did finish high school. He still takes calls to earn money, and the two years he spent alternating between that and the supermarket Zayn has enough money not to be working anyway.

But, he likes it. He did at the beginning and he still does and he’s just managed to finally perfect the rasp in his voice Harry’s been teaching him for a month.

Zayn becomes a teacher, or something like it. He doesn’t have, like, a teaching job or whatever but he doesn’t like Shakespeare and he got full marks on an essay about his writing techniques and that’s good for something, yeah?

 

 

 

Zayn is only 22 when Louis first fucks him.

_Harry’s there, of course, he’s on the bed next to Zayn gripping his hand and licking at his salty chest and collarbones and hips._

_Louis is thick and fills him up so wonderfully it should hurt and it does the next day, but at the time all Zayn can think of is how much he wishes he could tell all his boys how much he loves them, but he can’t because only two of them are here and only one can actually form proper thoughts and Zayn is too busy being fucked by someone else’s boyfriend._

It’s almost better than Niall and Liam, but Zayn remembers this all when he wakes up sandwiched between two warm boys and he doesn’t know if he prefers it this way.

 

 

 

Zayn is only 23 when he applies at a school to be a teacher and ends up a substitute.

His _first day_ is shit. None of the kids listen to him and his quiet, kind voice and no one seems to care that he even exists. Or notice, rather.

 

The _second day_ he tells them all to shut the fuck up or he’ll burn down the school and leave them trapped inside the classroom and they listen then and Zayn laughs when they leave.

 

The _third day_ is the next week and it seems he has admirers, judging by the way the teenage girls make heart eyes at him and bat their lashes and whisper things in too sweet voices, and also by the way some boys blush and others wink unabashedly.

The times they do wink, Zayn winks back and spends a lot of the day licking his lips.

 

The _fourth day_ someone has managed to find Zayn’s porno, and Zayn wants to cry and scream but mostly he wants to cackle because it means someone searched his name and he can only imagine their surprise when they see _Zayn Malik, twink, cock, wet pussy, toys, threesome, anal pounding_ in the box for a description.

_That day consists of most people not meeting his eyes and whispering and the rest meeting his eyes and grinning. A few students leave their phone numbers on his desk and halfway through one lesson a boy calls out, “Nice cock, mate.”_

_The class erupts in laughter and Zayn says, “It’s nicer than yours, Patrick, that’s for sure. Thank you, though, for admitting you’ve watched my video despite the obvious warning of homosexual activity.”_

_The class laughs now at Patrick who seems unfazed as he says, “I’d sit on your dick any day, sir.”_

_That shuts everyone up and Zayn laughs and fucks Patrick in the back seat of his car after school. Patrick is 18, after all, and Zayn was almost wrong when he said his own cock was nicer._

_Day five_ has Patrick limping and smiling like a maniac almost and Zayn lets him tell everyone because he doesn’t really care. None of the other teachers seem to either, and at lunch in one of the various staffrooms they talk about how Patrick really did need a cock up his arse.

Zayn keeps walking and gets a lot of requests on the way.

 _That night he gets a call on his work phone, well the phone for_ calls _anyway_ , _and recognises the voice of a girl in grade 10. Most people, the normal ones most likely, would hang up and transfer jobs._

_Zayn, one of the most un-normal people to exist, calls Harry over and together they have a ball convincing her to masturbate while Zayn pretend-fucks Harry. She comes and so do Zayn and Harry, but theirs are faker than the smiles at Christmas and hers is realer than the turkey._

 

The next day is _day six_ and she's in one of his classes and she blushes so deeply when Zayn looks at her and the shade goes purely crimson when he selects her to inform the class of her night. It’s something he decided to do when he first subbed, pick someone to talk while he gets his shit properly ready for the lesson, the paper not stained with coffee and tears of frustration.

_She says when she got home she did some homework, ate dinner, went online and watched movies before she went to bed._

_She doesn’t mention what she did in her bed, and neither does Zayn but he uses masturbation puns and even goes as far to say, “This is as easy as finger fucking if you would use the correct punctuation,” when someone asks him to read over their practice essay their actual teacher will make them do, whenever he gets back._

_The girl chokes and Zayn flicks his eyes up and asks, “You okay?” in his caller voice and she coughs and nods violently. Zayn continues to fix the student’s essay._

The thing that happens is the teacher’s wife dies and he doesn’t come back. The staff let Zayn fill the role fully, and someone takes care of all the necessary paperwork which is so bloody weird, because Zayn isn't even 25 yet.

It’s okay. Zayn, as bad as he is at a lot of things, is actually quite a brilliant teacher and disregarding the amount of time he swears or tells a student to fuck off they all love him, Patrick a little more than the others and Zayn, as a birthday present for the boy when the day comes, lets Patrick ride him on his desk.

With all the teaching that comes, a lot more than seven days, Zayn manages to find time for his boys. His boys who aren’t really boys at all anymore, maybe never were.

 

 

 

Zayn is only 24 when Harry leaves Louis for a man with dark hair named Jordan. Zayn still teaches, and Louis comes to school with him, sitting on the edge of Zayn’s desk and swinging his legs and lets the sounds of absent chatter and the honey in Zayn's voice lull his aching heart. 

Louis is the most talked about thing for a week, with whispers of _cerulean, not blue_ and _golden sex god_ and _i wonder if he’s gay; **of course he is you dumb fuck** ; did you just swear, sir?; **of fucking course i did you utterly thick twat now leave, please** ; sorry Mr Malik_.

Louis takes it and still gets upset, but when he goes home he goes with Zayn to the flat he doesn’t share with Niall anymore that still smells like weed and asks Zayn to fuck him. Zayn says no every time until Louis drops to his knees and sucks him off when he comes home with milk and corn.

Zayn and Louis become sort of a couple but not at all, because couples are cute and jealous and say I love you after they _make love_ , and Louis and Zayn sit in each other’s laps and learn to move around each other in Zayn’s (their) flat and after they fuck the most romantic thing they do is share a cigarette and talk about the stars above the roof and the world.

 

 

 

Zayn is only 25 when Louis fucks off too.

He's gone on a quest to find Harry with a hitch hiker and Zayn’s not sure if he hurts or he’s just numb.

_When he falls asleep he thinks, 2 down, 3 to go._

 

Zayn is only 26 when a student’s mother complains to the school about Zayn. Well, she would, but she visits Zayn first to tell him because she’s _nice_ and Zayn nods and later thinks the way she rode him was _nice_.

_Zayn thinks, under the covers like he’s 6 and scared of monsters in the dark of his room, that he’s tired of sex and falling in love with people who don’t need it._

 

 

 

Zayn is only 27 when Niall and Liam get married and move to America.

_4 down, 1 to go._

 

 

 

Zayn is only 28 when he learns Louis found Harry and they got married and adopted a boy. Apparently, they named him Zayn but Zayn isn't sure. He stops teaching regardless.

And it’s odd, because when he finds out he goes to drugs, lots and lots of drugs and more sex and he feels filthy and horrible and he’s waiting for the right time to self-destruct.

 

 

 

Zayn is only 29 when there is 0 left, and the time is absolutely perfect.

_There’s cocaine staining his face and fingers and his nose is bleeding and he’s not so much crying as letting his tears fall as a 35 year old man fucks him like he’s egg whites and the man is a whisk and they don’t have an electric beater._

Zayn thinks about the order.

 Harry first, the beautiful buzzing boy with wide eyes and curly hair and hopes of freedom even though he was already free and the stain of black ink on his skin. And the boy who has his virginity, both of them really, sitting in his palms.

Louis second, a boy with so many layers that are all bumpy and mismatched colours and super-glued together with no aspirations but everything and the brave soul beneath all the fucking layers.

Niall third, because Niall was always third, and how he remembers Niall is bright and electric and blue, but slow and lovely and _warm_.

Liam fourth, only because Liam would never put himself before the other boys. Liam with his fucking fireman pants and comic books and _stars_ and maybe his brown eyes.

Zayn puts himself last, and knows this is the order it always has been, right from the beginning. Zayn remembers himself as hopeless and young and he remembers that this is the order he loved them, really.

 _The man pants out stupid things, things like_ I’ll leave my wife for you and we can live by the sea _and_ you’re fucking gorgeous I love you _and_ fuck, you’re such a good little whore for me my wife never lets me touch her anymore _. Zayn hears and the tears fall a little harder, stains the sheets with his sadness. He wishes for more cocaine in his veins to ruin him, but the amount he has is enough. He just has to wait a little bit._

Harry was first because he had large hands and a soothing voice and—

Louis. Louis was second because he was with Harry everywhere and Zayn spent so much time with Harry that he spent that all with Louis too, and Louis knew how to hug, properly when the stars were hidden and sad.

Niall and Liam should really be slumped together, because his love for them was equally as dumb and fleeting, yet the remanets of it still send pangs through his bones. Yet, Niall is first, slightly, because his heart was the biggest of them all. And Liam was after, because Liam was Liam and it just went like that.

There are others, too, that he’s loved. Others like Patrick and Lily and Fiona and Drew and Jasper. And he’s 29, yes, and it’s been simply ten years since he first fell in love. But with fucking comes love, for Zayn at least, and it breaks him every time. Everyone’s surprised it took him this long before he broke fully, or at least he is.

_Zayn laughs and the man above him looks and doesn’t ask what he’s laughing about, as long as he’s still fucking him. Zayn laughs, as the 35 year old man licks his skin, because there’s been a person for every year and this man is, was, number 10 . And also, maybe, because he’s done waiting._

The thing is, none of those people are ( _were_ ) as important as his boys. His boys who are no longer his, nor boys. His boys who won’t be attending his funeral within the next two weeks, and his boys who won’t know this is how he died.

Being fucked by a filthy man with cocaine everywhere and blood on his face.

And the tears too.

_Zayn blinks once, and he thinks maybe the grunt means the man’s coming, infecting Zayn with what could’ve been someone’s life, but he lets go before he knows._

He doesn’t want to.

 


End file.
